I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
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[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do