I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’