Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Thank you corporation very cool
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.