#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs