Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
You Might Also Like
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be