Yup!
You Might Also Like
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away