I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour