An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*skinny dips into black hole
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..