Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Breaking news:
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.