[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.