What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.