well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
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Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”