Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”