A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
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Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.