Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I’d rather fork than spoon.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what