when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
You Might Also Like
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
smartest karate player in the world
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave