FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
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My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
it was a valiant fight
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.