I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Anime is real
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.