I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins