Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG