Fight
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
good let them take over I have had enough
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Blew my mind.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.