Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
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Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
If snakes were wide
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Spring of Deception
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!