I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard