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Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
🤣🤣🤣
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.