NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
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WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Canadian owl: Eh?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I saw nothing
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.