This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.