You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
omg leave her alone
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Am I having a stroke?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science