Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
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Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Pass gas, not judgment.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”