Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
ok like just. call me at this point
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
wish me luck lads