put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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My beach vacation Google searches
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Guy who likes music
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.