Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Bring back the McRib
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity