You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT