Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
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zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are