People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
You Might Also Like
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.