[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
You Might Also Like
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger