Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
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ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
i meant to share this earlier
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain