What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
San Francisco has too many rules
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.