If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
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i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile