It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.