Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.