When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Bed should get ready for ME
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder