[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling