I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The honesty is refreshing
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy