Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.