What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer