♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees