*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
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Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore