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[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill