“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Moms. The original autocorrect.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*