Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.